You Are Enough and You are Worthy.

I wrote about what living with depression and anxiety is like in my post "Depression Hit Me Hard Today"  But I want to keep the conversation going. Like the #MeToo movement, this topic needs to be continued and be brought up until we treat it like any other illness that can be seen.  I know too many people who struggle with mental health issues that are hesitant to say anything because of the stigma.

**And by the way, the following story isn't to bash police officers. Seriously, those who took offense to my Facebook post on this can stay gone.**

I had a complete meltdown in my car a few days ago.  I got pulled over for going 2 MPH over the speed limit on the interstate. A small thing, right? Frustrating for sure. Especially since I was in near panic up to an hour earlier from dodging others doing their own high-speed chases. 2.over.the.speed.limit.
It didn't help that I then got an earful from the officer about where I pulled over (side of passing lane "I don't know. I panicked and pulled over as soon as I could." Because I had no idea why I was being pulled over), crack on my windshield (I honestly didn't know that was illegal. I could still see out just fine but despite my ignorance, my fault.) and the expired plates (Yup, 100% my fault. Totally forgot. I own it.)

I was in tears as he was talking and finally, he went back to his car and I just started sobbing. I texted my hubby to let him know of my situation. Once I got my tickets (nothing for speeding, by the way) and was back on the interstate, I started bawling. I was 5 miles away from the exit that would then take me home so I pulled into the gas station and just let it all out. When I reached my house, I parked behind my husband's truck and cried some more before I could think about going in.
I wasn't crying over just this incident. It had been a tough few weeks and I'd been setting those events aside so I could keep going through each day. This situation was a trigger to let all of my emotions out (the crying kind - the one I stay away from most of the time).

** I'll be using a lot of "I" statements because I don't claim to be an expert in mental health. I just deal with it on a daily basis so I claim to be my own expert at my own mental health based on my own experiences.  And because we all seem to handle depression and anxiety in our own unique ways so I don't want to speak for anyone else. I am not a voice of all the people living with depression/anxiety/PTSD ~ I am simply one of the many voices. **

My depression most days come in the form of high anxiety.  I mentioned in the previous post that being depressed doesn't mean I'm numb to emotions and everything that's happening around me. It's quite the opposite; I am hyper-aware of each thought and emotions that pass through me as well as what's going on around me.  Every interaction is replayed and dissected afterward. "That was a dumb reply... that's not what I meant to say... I bet s/he thinks I'm an idiot/unkind/unworthy." UNWORTHY. It's a common thought.

Feeling of unworthiness. It's a dark state to be in. When something good happens, regardless of whether I earned it or it happened spontaneously, I question if I deserve it. When bad things happen, I think "Of course."  And these aren't life-changing events. When I started running, I raced a lot of 5Ks. I actually placed 2nd female in my age group and my immediate thought was "It's a small race so it doesn't count." With the next race, I put the pressure on myself. If didn't place at this one, I definitely didn't earn the previous medal. I did place again but it became this horrible cycle of "I don't place, the other medals don't count."  (I stopped racing 5Ks because of this unhealthy behavior)

"I don't deserve it" for the good in life and "Of course, I deserve it" for the negative is a battle I fight each day. I battle my thoughts each and every day.  I know I'm worthy - I've worked hard for everything in my life. I bust my ass each day to be better than the day before - whether it's personal training, group fitness, my own training or in connecting with my family and friends (IRL or social media). And I never feel it's enough. Anxiety kicks in overdrive and it gets to a point where I can't contain the stress and emotions and have a meltdown (usually crying in the shower quietly).  If you've been here, it's a lonely world. I have friends and family surrounding me ~ I seriously have the best group of women I can reach out to. But this mental health issue is all mine to live through. I have to argue every lie that enters my head. I also believe I never do enough or well enough. That's why being pulled over for something so little put me over the edge. "Couldn't I just get a break?" I messaged my friends about how sick I was of life (I'm safe) and just getting screwed over. Life seems to kick me in the butt all too often (some, like the registration, I cause myself) but it seems like as hard as I work, it just never is enough. And that's what my brain gets stuck on. Especially when I'm in my low days and/or anxiety is through the roof. "It's not enough. Do better. More."

If you've lived or are currently living with the same thoughts and feelings ~ I want you to know that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are fighting that mental battle in your head each day and living. And that is freaking amazing. Maybe not every day is a struggle but when those dark days come, it seems like it will never end. And the stigma is still around so it's not so easy to reach out.
Keep on fighting because you are WORTHY. Worthy of living out your best life.

If you ever need to chat, I'm here. (Facebook, IG, Twitter if you don't have my number)