Run Eat Tri Yogi

  Healing sucks. It’s painful, emotionally draining and just plain exhausting. Negative thoughts run through my head constantly - am I really experiencing this XX or am I being paranoid/sensitive/angry for an underlying issue from my past?  Every one of those thoughts and emotions is dissected and redirected into something rational and hopefully, something positive. I had been dealing with low self-esteem and feelings of not being wanted, being excluded from groups and gatherings of my peers for the past few months. Some of those people avoiding me when they see me. I didn’t know why. I never cared to fit in with cliques and I’m known to not kiss ass to be welcomed or liked. So why does it bug me so much now? I never fit in. I was bi-racial in a country that was so racist, that in the 90s people would refuse to sit in my seat when I gave it up to an elder (literally anyone older than me). I was never invited to anyone’s house. New neighbors didn’t bring over rice cake pe...

The last few days have been a blur. Mostly due to lack of sleep and my body wondering WTF just happened. But I will never forget the moment I listened to my voicemail when I woke up. “Dye, happy Monday. It’s Mike Reilly…” My heart just stopped. In my groggy state, I wasn’t sure I heard that right, so I started it over as I read the transcript along with it. “I heard you did it all indoors...to do something like that it’s mind over matter...So from me to you, as I love to do, DYE..YOU ARE AN IRONMAN...” As I listen to it again, I’m in tears. It feels like a dream. The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs but what a tremendous lesson I’ve learned. How much I really wanted this. Not the title or being able to say I did an Ironman distance. But to know I could do it. All of the training and preparation wasn’t for nothing. And the fantastic support I have in my life. I am in a state of gratefulness. (PS That phone call from Mike Reilly was facilitated by my friend, Billy. You ma...

I finished my last brick workout today and unexpectedly, I broke down in tears. That's it. Now it's onto race week. And then race day. All those months of training have flown by. What seemed like a distant (crazy) goal to train for is finally within sight. All those hours plugging away on my training, sore & hating myself for signing up for this challenge ... I sat down on the porch to take it all in. It feels like awaiting a trip to Disney World and the death chamber at the same time. The taper madness... I thought I was ready. Believe me, I was physically exhausted and more than ready to rest! I'd been looking forward to these weeks and let my body reset after beating it up all the way up to peak training month. Here's the madness aspect of the taper. The mind argues that it wasn't enough. It's telling me I still have ways to go."What makes you think you can even toe the starting line?" It makes me question even my strongest training days....

I wrote about what living with depression and anxiety is like in my post " Depression Hit Me Hard Today"   But I want to keep the conversation going. Like the #MeToo movement, this topic needs to be continued and be brought up until we treat it like any other illness that can be seen.  I know too many people who struggle with mental health issues that are hesitant to say anything because of the stigma. **And by the way, the following story isn't to bash police officers. Seriously, those who took offense to my Facebook post on this can stay gone.** I had a complete meltdown in my car a few days ago.  I got pulled over for going 2 MPH over the speed limit on the interstate. A small thing, right? Frustrating for sure. Especially since I was in near panic up to an hour earlier from dodging others doing their own high-speed chases. 2.over.the.speed.limit. It didn't help that I then got an earful from the officer about where I pulled over (side of passing lane "I...

"Depression hit me hard today," I thought to myself as I was heading off to bed. It was a reminder that what I'm feeling and thinking aren't "normal". I'm extra sensitive to people's expressions, words and my own negative thoughts during days like these. Imagine a flatline on the heart monitor and then a jolt of energy showing up. Except that jolt is the complete opposite of energy. It completely saps me of mine and I feel like I'm in a tar pit, trying to make my way out. I made a mental note to just let it all pass - sometimes it only lasts a day and hoped the next day would be lighter. Day 2... I wake up even more tired and immediately feel anxious. But I don't know why. I make my way to the bathroom and feel this cloud of dread over me. I just want to cradle my head in my hands and cry in the dark bathroom. I try to get a handle on this situation before it gets worse. What is it about today? What happened last night that may have spill...

"Oh no, what happened?" is my usual reply, thinking they have an injury.  The reply from the other person usually goes along like "Well, it's not that I can't. But I don't. I don't like it and don't want to do it." I get it. You have no idea how much I get it. That was me most of my life. Remember those 1-mile runs in gym class? Day from hell. Always the last one with the gym teacher calling out, "You can just walk the last lap." It didn't help that I needed an inhaler for most active sports. Even after I lost 49lbs (yes, the OCD in me hates that odd number too), I had no desire to run. "Why would I run when I can just walk the same distance and not be in pain? Or hate myself?" I had lost most of my weight with changing my diet and walking; I felt no need to change anything. In fact, I was one of those people who would get angry over your running posts. Seriously, why? Why would anyone want to put themselves throu...

I actually started writing this last week as I was in the midst of updating my dusty resume and writing up a new cover letter for a position that I have no professional experience in (but plenty of personal experience!) but I couldn't focus on the task at hand. Because I knew I missed a few items from my last grocery shopping trip and I couldn't remember what it was or if it was even important - can it wait until the next time I remember? Because I heard my little one dumping out her Legos when she should've be getting started on her school work. I had cold coffee in the other room but I was "too busy" to stop what I was doing to grab it because I know I'd get distracted by something else and not come back to my computer. I also had 4 hours to finish 2hr bike + 3 mile run before cleaning up and getting my kids off to their friend's house. I recently saw a video from That's Inappropriate - the mom trying to explain how she was just o...

I saw a few posts yesterday that mentioned September was Suicide Awareness Month. I don't know how I missed that...  Late to the game as usual and to be honest, I was a little bit relieved. It meant I didn't have to face my history of depression and suicide attempts.  I could continue to go on as if that was and is no longer my life. Why deal with things when you can just shrug it off and move on?  Because it helps no one. And to not say something is to take the gift I was given and toss it aside - all because it'd be more comfortable to not address it. So please allow my late entrance to this discussion and maybe keep the conversation going. I wasn't completely oblivious to the subject of suicide on social media. I was thankful to see the "Faces of Suicide" being posted. I apparently didn't get the clues but something moved me while seeing those posts. 6th grade That was me around 13yrs of age. In less than a year, I would make multipl...