Run Eat Tri Yogi

  Healing sucks. It’s painful, emotionally draining and just plain exhausting. Negative thoughts run through my head constantly - am I really experiencing this XX or am I being paranoid/sensitive/angry for an underlying issue from my past?  Every one of those thoughts and emotions is dissected and redirected into something rational and hopefully, something positive. I had been dealing with low self-esteem and feelings of not being wanted, being excluded from groups and gatherings of my peers for the past few months. Some of those people avoiding me when they see me. I didn’t know why. I never cared to fit in with cliques and I’m known to not kiss ass to be welcomed or liked. So why does it bug me so much now? I never fit in. I was bi-racial in a country that was so racist, that in the 90s people would refuse to sit in my seat when I gave it up to an elder (literally anyone older than me). I was never invited to anyone’s house. New neighbors didn’t bring over rice cake pe...

I wrote about what living with depression and anxiety is like in my post " Depression Hit Me Hard Today"   But I want to keep the conversation going. Like the #MeToo movement, this topic needs to be continued and be brought up until we treat it like any other illness that can be seen.  I know too many people who struggle with mental health issues that are hesitant to say anything because of the stigma. **And by the way, the following story isn't to bash police officers. Seriously, those who took offense to my Facebook post on this can stay gone.** I had a complete meltdown in my car a few days ago.  I got pulled over for going 2 MPH over the speed limit on the interstate. A small thing, right? Frustrating for sure. Especially since I was in near panic up to an hour earlier from dodging others doing their own high-speed chases. 2.over.the.speed.limit. It didn't help that I then got an earful from the officer about where I pulled over (side of passing lane "I...

"Depression hit me hard today," I thought to myself as I was heading off to bed. It was a reminder that what I'm feeling and thinking aren't "normal". I'm extra sensitive to people's expressions, words and my own negative thoughts during days like these. Imagine a flatline on the heart monitor and then a jolt of energy showing up. Except that jolt is the complete opposite of energy. It completely saps me of mine and I feel like I'm in a tar pit, trying to make my way out. I made a mental note to just let it all pass - sometimes it only lasts a day and hoped the next day would be lighter. Day 2... I wake up even more tired and immediately feel anxious. But I don't know why. I make my way to the bathroom and feel this cloud of dread over me. I just want to cradle my head in my hands and cry in the dark bathroom. I try to get a handle on this situation before it gets worse. What is it about today? What happened last night that may have spill...

"Oh no, what happened?" is my usual reply, thinking they have an injury.  The reply from the other person usually goes along like "Well, it's not that I can't. But I don't. I don't like it and don't want to do it." I get it. You have no idea how much I get it. That was me most of my life. Remember those 1-mile runs in gym class? Day from hell. Always the last one with the gym teacher calling out, "You can just walk the last lap." It didn't help that I needed an inhaler for most active sports. Even after I lost 49lbs (yes, the OCD in me hates that odd number too), I had no desire to run. "Why would I run when I can just walk the same distance and not be in pain? Or hate myself?" I had lost most of my weight with changing my diet and walking; I felt no need to change anything. In fact, I was one of those people who would get angry over your running posts. Seriously, why? Why would anyone want to put themselves throu...

I saw a few posts yesterday that mentioned September was Suicide Awareness Month. I don't know how I missed that...  Late to the game as usual and to be honest, I was a little bit relieved. It meant I didn't have to face my history of depression and suicide attempts.  I could continue to go on as if that was and is no longer my life. Why deal with things when you can just shrug it off and move on?  Because it helps no one. And to not say something is to take the gift I was given and toss it aside - all because it'd be more comfortable to not address it. So please allow my late entrance to this discussion and maybe keep the conversation going. I wasn't completely oblivious to the subject of suicide on social media. I was thankful to see the "Faces of Suicide" being posted. I apparently didn't get the clues but something moved me while seeing those posts. 6th grade That was me around 13yrs of age. In less than a year, I would make multipl...

"You should write a book!" is often the response I get when I share some details of my past. Whether they're fascinated by how I was moved around most of my life or finding out about some of the traumas I've gone through, it usually ends with them encouraging me to write a book. I've wanted to for years. Though I'm glad I never followed through in my earlier years  - not because I didn't want to share my story but because my story had barely begun. Now, as I shuffle through all the paperwork of my past, it seems like a good time to dip my toes into this mess I called my past. Like a good little bride, I waited until the last minute to get ready for the big day. No? Just me? With a little over 2 months to go, I needed to find my Certification of Birth Abroad (no birth certificate) along with proof of address to get my marriage license.  It turns out I have nothing "official" (besides my living, breathing body) to show that I was born. How d...

I didn't plan on coming back to #im703choo this year. It was my A race last year and was everything I thought it'd be but it never occurred to me that I would do this race again! Even when I got the notification that registration was open... but when I saw the Facebook post about there still being openings days/weeks later, I was shocked and started entertaining the idea. I brought it up to my fiance but then finally, I couldn't NOT sign up anymore. The drive to Chattanooga, TN from central WI is approximately 12 hours, not taking into account gas stops and bathroom breaks.  Fortunately, the ride was uneventful! This time, it was just Ben and me. We left Friday morning and by the time we reached our hotel, we were done. Top of tower at Ruby Falls Since bike check-in wouldn't start until 1:30pm on Saturday, we decided to take advantage of some free time and sight see. Last year, we arrived on Saturday and rushed around before getting to bed early. View from ...

"When you are ready to heal, you will find the courage to share your story.  When people hear how you have been able to get past your past, you will help to heal others and that is when we realize our greater purpose." -- Chalene Johnson I have been writing this blog since my half ironman. I started it on a bridge somewhere in Chattanooga during the run portion of the race, still on the first loop.  I was cherishing that moment in the run, looking up at the sky, thinking "what an amazing day" and thanking God for yet another opportunity at life.  After choking back the tears (let's face it, I was tired and could not cry, breathe properly and run at the same time), I thought "I'm doing this for us."  By us, I meant survivors. Survivors of abuse, those overcoming actions of others who hurt us physically, mentally and spiritually.  For those who went through the hellish journey from victim to survivor... and continuing to fight for the status of su...