Depression hit me hard today

"Depression hit me hard today," I thought to myself as I was heading off to bed. It was a reminder that what I'm feeling and thinking aren't "normal". I'm extra sensitive to people's expressions, words and my own negative thoughts during days like these. Imagine a flatline on the heart monitor and then a jolt of energy showing up. Except that jolt is the complete opposite of energy. It completely saps me of mine and I feel like I'm in a tar pit, trying to make my way out. I made a mental note to just let it all pass - sometimes it only lasts a day and hoped the next day would be lighter.

Day 2... I wake up even more tired and immediately feel anxious. But I don't know why. I make my way to the bathroom and feel this cloud of dread over me. I just want to cradle my head in my hands and cry in the dark bathroom. I try to get a handle on this situation before it gets worse. What is it about today? What happened last night that may have spilled over to today? Then the thought of having to go through the day pretending everything is fine felt like doomsday. I have to keep up a high energy with my job. My job is to motivate and push but in a positive "you've got this!!" way. Yet I can barely manage to make it back to my dark bedroom without dragging my feet. I feel like a fraud most days. Who am I to motivate when I barely seem to have my life together?

"That's a lie, Dye. And you know it." But that's all I can manage. It's not about not being grateful. These types of days mean I have to keep pulling myself out of the hole of deep depression just to make it through the day. To make matters worse, I look angry when I'm drained (and I have a killer resting bitch face to begin with) and that is not a good look in general, let alone as a personal trainer. Days like these require more out of me to be "on".

I go to work and fake it til I make it. Smile, greet others, ask how they're doing, make small talk and do my tasks. I even stick around after that shift to talk a little more to others.  I get in the car and I just drive home. The thought of running the sunny trail makes me want to stick my head in the snow. I'll have to smile and wave to everyone out there (it's a small town). So I drive home and start eating. Then I've eaten so much I know running is out of the question. I know working out will lift my mood, even if temporarily, so I get my shoes on start my TRX workout and then move onto yoga. Alright, I think I'm ok now to run outside. I change and make it to my car parked in the driveway and see all the cars driving by (unusual for our country road) and I retreat back inside.

I have another shift to work that night so I make coffee to pep myself up. I genuinely love working with my clients so that makes it easier to get through another shift. But by now, the anxiety has increased. Once I'm at work, I question everything: Is this person ignoring me? Have I done something to offend them? They probably think I'm annoying. Note to self: quick being yourself.  *sigh* They probably tolerate me just because they have to... I'm exhausted by the time I get home. But I'm happy to spend some time with my family and share a few laughs, which I realize can be a miracle with daughters who are a full-blown teen and a preteen.  I fall asleep quickly but wake up throughout the night, restless for hours at a time.

Day 3... I feel the darkness already. It's hard to describe but it lies heavily on your chest. Your head is fuzzy and you're already anxious about the day. But for no specific reason. I pull myself out of bed and slowly get ready. Procrastinating like a pro, I decide to change up our fridge calendar instead of actually getting ready.  I brew 2 cups of espresso to help increase my energy level and head out to work.  Anxiety and paranoia are at an all-time high. I already assume people don't want to see me or talk to me so I just move quickly. No clients this morning but I still smile and greet others. Small talk seems harder today and I try to muster up simple phrases or quotes, but it doesn't seem to come out right.  "They're completely ignoring me... I wonder what they say about me when I'm not around..." Seriously, why should I care? IF they are.
My mood darkens during the short shift that seems to drag on. The harder I try to smile and joke around with others, the more I want to cry.

I get in my car and fight back the tears. I already decide to skip my training today. So many deadlines and so little time between shifts to get it all done adds more stress. Though I know running will alleviate some of it, I can't fathom changing and getting out there.
It's just a black hole. I have to filter through every thought - is it true? Why am I thinking this? Why am I worried about this? What is causing this? Some days have triggers, other days it just comes and goes. This wave seems to be going on. I put so much pressure on myself to be a perfectionist that I induce a lot of the anxiety, which then triggers the deep depression. I am a highly functioning depressant but I call days like these my deep depression days.  As an introvert, being around people constantly and having to be "on" for a long period of time (days, usually) can be a trigger.

I still have another shift to finish up tonight along with a small gathering after work. I will put on my mask and make it through the day with jokes, small talk, and laughter. No one will know I'm dealing with the demons in my head that make me want to curl up in bed and cry. And then I'll wake up again tomorrow. Hopefully, it'll have subsided. But in the case that it's not, I'll do it all over again.

~ Dye

**This was written earlier last week. I forced myself to get out on the trails and on the bike. It's helped and this last wave of the dark depression is on its way out. No worries about my state :)