What do I have to share that's so important?

-
When I was younger, writing came naturally. It may have to do with the way I was raised... remain in the background, do not speak unless spoken to, make no eye contact and absolutely do not show emotions or share my feelings.  So writing made sense.

I had been entertaining the idea of blogging for some time now but it was during my run today that I felt that this was something I absolutely had to do.

We, runners, come up with some insanely great ideas while running, right??  We are so productive in our minds - resolving personal issues, meal planning, remember tasks we've forgotten to do... as well as some deep, profound thoughts.  And for me,  those meal planning ideas can get pretty serious!

During my trail run today, my thoughts turned morbid.  It was a rough run.  Admit it, you've had them too!

What if there's something more to why I haven't been feeling like running lately? (Besides the fact that I'm rebounding from running injuries).
What if I have cancer too? My bio parents both passed away from cancer. I don't know much about my families' medial background but I was told that cancer ran in my family (at least on Omma's side).  Omma passed away in her 50s from breast cancer - and her mother before her.
My thoughts turned a bit more selfish.  Would anyone besides my family miss me?

WHAT WILL I LEAVE BEHIND? WHAT'S MY LEGACY?

But take a moment to really think about this.  What have you done, that will leave a mark?
Was it your compassion? Your accomplishments? Your friendships?

I've always felt a purpose in my life to help others - to counsel.

 Let me tell you, I've been through some shit.  I apologize for the language but there's really no other way to put it. I've seen and experienced trauma since I was young - it was all I grew up knowing.

I've seen many counselors and have tried handful of anti-depressants.  Everyone has their own opinion on those, but those meds did get me through some tough times. Physically - not mentally.

It wasn't until I started running that I was really able to sort all this out in my head. My relationship with God grew.  When I first started racing, I used all the pent up anger I had to push through.  Now I feel I've matured as a runner/racer as I use my past abuses as a blessing to get me through the tough times

I want to share with other SURVIVORS.  With my running and my story.  Because I believe that I wouldn't be where I am in life without running. Which is so ironic because I used to HATE running and hated hearing other people talk about running.  It made no sense why people ran.
So here I am - using running as therapy.

This blog was created to share my life with you - the good and the ugly.  I want to grow even more to be a better person. I want to face my flaws and work on them.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Therapy session. Entry 1

-
Image
"You should write a book!" is often the response I get when I share some details of my past. Whether they're fascinated by how I was moved around most of my life or finding out about some of the traumas I've gone through, it usually ends with them encouraging me to write a book. I've wanted to for years. Though I'm glad I never followed through in my earlier years  - not because I didn't want to share my story but because my story had barely begun. Now, as I shuffle through all the paperwork of my past, it seems like a good time to dip my toes into this mess I called my past. Like a good little bride, I waited until the last minute to get ready for the big day. No? Just me? With a little over 2 months to go, I needed to find my Certification of Birth Abroad (no birth certificate) along with proof of address to get my marriage license.  It turns out I have nothing "official" (besides my living, breathing body) to show that I was born. How d...
Read more

Go Hammer Time!

-
Image
Indoor marathon. 95 laps around a track. No personal music allowed. Sounds enticing, doesn't it? I ran this last year with friends and said I'll never do it again. It's not the track so much as I'd done two 12 hour races on a high school track before - and overnight, no less. But most, if not all, ultra runners will agree that marathons have a different atmosphere than ultras. That's another post in itself! And I hate being subjected to other people's music (they play music from runners' requests). But after so many months of freezing temps, snow and ice keeping me from decent long runs here in Wisconsin, I gave in. My desire to get in a long run without slipping, twisting my already-fragile ankle or losing feeling in my fingers due to the extreme cold took over. I want to point out that the race is very well-organized. The race director and the entire team are phenomenal. I got updated emails and the packet pick-up and race day instructions were...
Read more

It looks like broken dreams - Ironman Chattanooga Pt 2

-
Image
photo credit Billy S The morning started off like any other race day: early morning alarm with 5 minutes in bed wondering why I decided this was a good idea. I quickly changed into my swimsuit and snuck out of the hotel room for my pre-race swim (if you missed Part 1 , the swim portion of the Ironman had been canceled) I saw that Billy and Gerry were already there and we got to work. I swam for 45 minutes before I couldn't take the burning of the chlorine on my skin and lips. And because it was small and not a lap pool, I kept hitting my hand on the ledges and scraping myself. I still had a race to finish that day. So I wished the guys a great race day and headed back. Gerry (center), Billy (right)  My girl Danyell drove me down to the start and waited with me until transition opened. I also saw my partner-in-Chattanooga-adventures, Greg. We did our first and second 70.3 here (he went onto his 3rd this past year) and now our first full Ironman. What a journey...
Read more