What depression looks like

I saw a few posts yesterday that mentioned September was Suicide Awareness Month. I don't know how I missed that...  Late to the game as usual and to be honest, I was a little bit relieved.

It meant I didn't have to face my history of depression and suicide attempts.  I could continue to go on as if that was and is no longer my life. Why deal with things when you can just shrug it off and move on?  Because it helps no one. And to not say something is to take the gift I was given and toss it aside - all because it'd be more comfortable to not address it.

So please allow my late entrance to this discussion and maybe keep the conversation going.

I wasn't completely oblivious to the subject of suicide on social media. I was thankful to see the "Faces of Suicide" being posted. I apparently didn't get the clues but something moved me while seeing those posts.

6th grade

That was me around 13yrs of age. In less than a year, I would make multiple suicide attempts.  

I'd recently dealt with my adoptive dad's own suicide due to the discovery of him sexually abusing my cousin and certain family members finding out that he'd been doing that to me for years. 5 to be exact. It started shortly after we were adopted from Korea. 

My adoptive mom told me not to tell anyone else about the abuse so I was forced to mourn along with everyone. I remember seeing him on life support and wanting to scream at him for every horrible thing he said and did to me. But no, I was under careful watch to ensure I showed sadness. 

At the funeral, I eeked out a few tears. To me, it wasn't over. I still felt as if I were in prison. My then-uncle, who knew of the abuse, saw my fake tears and sarcastically mentioned how I must be sad. I could feel the anger just boiling to the top... to this day, I can still feel my body seething from anger at that comment and the entire situation.

I clearly remember my first suicide attempt. I sat and wrote out my "will". Happy and relieved. "It will all be over by tomorrow." The self-hate and feeling of worthlessness --- and being just tired of life already. I took a cocktail of whatever pills I could find. 

I woke up feeling like a loser... couldn't even kill myself. I tried looking for the gun that my adoptive dad had killed himself with. I threw in plugged electronic devices into the tub - nothing but vibrations coming from the plugged-in device. I hung a noose in the basement but after struggling for a few seconds, I reached for the chair beneath me. I started cutting myself in hopes of catching an artery. I sat in a running car for hours in a sealed garage. I started mixing larger cocktails of pills this time, pulling apart the pill capsules so the drug would hit my system faster... I remember being in and out of it during this time. It must've been several days of this. I had a memory of getting yelled at for throwing up again, then multiple doctor visits.

My adoptive mom finally put it all together when I accidently left those empty pill capsules out on the counter. Her response was to scream at me, "Haven't I been through enough?!"  Ah yes, of course. Her husband did indeed turn out to be a pervert and coward who killed himself in the bedroom while we were all home. How selfish of me. However, I did feel ashamed and rotten. And was also thrown right back into counseling. 

I decided to hit pause on my suicide attempts, tried to figure out why I kept failing. Why I was such a failure at everything, even in killing myself? This is when I realized I was being kept on earth for a bigger reason than I could comprehend. It was a mix of joy and hate. It was a gift but a prison sentence for me at the time. I hated the idea of living even a second longer in my skin. But this meant there was a plan in place for me. There's no way I survived all of those suicide attempts for no reason. So I stopped trying to end my life.  

Year later, still with same thoughts and feelings.

I deal with PTSD and depression on a daily basis. But I'm ok. I may seem withdrawn at times but that's me dealing with my thoughts and shifting the mindset -- constantly reminding myself of self-worth and self-love. 

I had written a glimpse into my past in my earlier post here .  Depression was always in my life. I've seen many therapists and we're still uncertain whether they're effects of my childhood/adolescent traumas or if it was passed down. Based on my biological mother's personality and drinking, I'd say it were both.

What does (my) depression look like? Getting up to train before kids are up, working, studying, grocery shopping, yelling at my kids to clean up their messes in the kitchen for the millionth time, enjoying dinner with my family...

For me, it doesn't mean laying in bed all day. I should add "anymore". I used to spend my days off laying in bed because I was exhausted from "normal-ing" all week at work. With 2 kids now,  I'm a high-functioning depressant. I keep busy and try to be a positive force in my community and social media. 

Being doesn't mean that I'm numb to feelings. Quite the opposite, actually. I feel emotions deeply. Sometimes, the emotions are intense and mixed up and I tend to shut down and seem withdrawn. I over-analyze and deal with anxiety, which is probably from years of being in "survival" mode.  I also feel happiness. As you have seen in the "Faces of suicide" photos, it's not uncommon.  

It is an actual illness. To me, I see them as flare ups. I have depression but it doesn't always take over my thoughts and energy.

Before we continue on, let me assure you. I am not at risk. I don't have the suicide thoughts but that doesn't mean those toxic thoughts don't come to visit me. I do think at times "If only I were just not alive..." It doesn't mean I want to actually end my life. It doesn't mean I don't have happiness in my life. In fact, I have so many blessings now that that's what's truly keeping me here.  I love my life and my family...countless people and opportunities that I've had that I'm so thankful for.  I just get tired of carrying this boulder around, trudging through each day.  But I am fully aware that this is something I have to work through. As I mentioned, I consider them flare-ups so I don't feel this way 100% of the time. Some days are a breeze.

I do know this. I can't imagine having missed out on all of life's events since that time. The love for my family is indescribeable... and the community I've come to know and love through the love of running has been a shining light in my life. No "off" day is worth ending any of this. 

If you live with depression, anxiety and/or PTSD and any of this has resonated with you, I'm here for you, with you, alongside you. I may not have a degree in psychology but I've a lifetime of experience to at least listen and empathize. I know I'm not alone in dealing with this illness but sometimes I get so involved in my thoughts that I forget there are others I can turn to. So this is my invitation to you - reach out to me anytime you need to. 

If you want anonymity, call 1-800-273-8255. Suicide Prevention Lifeline